How Every Premier League Manager Would Do on The Traitors

How Every Premier League Manager Would Do on The Traitors

Last night the BBC launched the very-first 'celebrity' edition of their hit reality game-show 'The Traitors', featuring a star-studded cast containing the likes of national treasure Stephen Fry, YouTuber Niko Omilana and singer Paloma Faith as they take on a few weeks of treachery, suspicion and accusation all in the name of a whopping cash prize (for charity, not themselves).

It begs the question from us... how would Premier League managers get on if they were thrust into the Traitor's Castle up in Scotland?

From hoarding shields, spreading false accusations like wildfire and taking part in cash-building tasks, here is how we at Football Park think everyone in the Premier League would get on in the show.

The Host - Pep Guardiola

He wouldn't be able to resist taking control would he?

A polar opposite to real-time host Claudia Winkleman in regards to her famous fringe and Pep's famous... lack thereof, Manchester City's gaffer would rule over the treachourous game with an iron fist. He'd command the contestants to follow the rules, would dramatise every decision to within an inch of it's life and make the Faithful ashamed with each incorrect banishment. Would make for TV highlights with his dramatic speeches post-banishment, claiming that "it isn't about the Traitors, it's about the process".

Somehow manages to get accused of being the traitor by an exceedingly desperate Ruben Amorim after 2 days.

First Eliminated - Regis Les Bris - Faithful, Banished Day One

Steps into the heavily volatile castle and immediately starts spitting out accusations and planting theories through the group after the Traitors have been selected by Pep. Turns out, he actually is spot on with two of his claims, but this upsets the louder voices in the establishment.

Banished after OG Traitor Arne Slot turns the tide against him.

Second Eliminated - Keith Andrews - Faithful, Murdered Night One

Gets little to no screen time, leading to questions over social media regarding who possibly thought he would make a good cast member. Rarely seen in the social settings of the show, helps competently enough in the cash tasks, and meanders around the castle hoping he can go un-noticed and spring some surprise results at the round table.

His lack of presence doesn't help him much - he's the first one murdered in the show, and viewers quickly forget he was part of the cast.

Third Eliminated - Scott Parker - Faithful, Banished Day Two

He's been on several different series of the show already, and nobody has the slightest clue how he keeps getting let back on. Winds everyone up and gets very defensive when taking part at the round table. Does get some brownie points for being the sharpest dressed man in the castle by a long distance.

Banished after a terrible display in the cash-building task. Somehow manages to get the programme relegated to BBC Two.

Fourth Eliminated - Ruben Amorim - Faithful, Banished Day Three

Was subjected to a plot from the Traitors attempting to keep him in for as long as possible. Consistently gets his theories wrong at almost every turn, but refuses to try a different tactic or change his way of thinking.

Banished despite his pleas around the roundtable that he needs more time to figure things out.

Fifth Eliminated - Andoni Iraola - Faithful, Murdered Night Three

Unfortunate for Andoni, but he ends up being quite an easy target - and the the second murder of the Premier League series.

Is a passionate and well-regarded member of the team by all around him, but his murder can't be traced back to a single person in the castle, leading them into a small panic.

Sixth Eliminated - Vitor Pereira - Traitor, Banished Day Four

The first Traitor of the series to fall. Does a decent job of avoiding suspicion, but everything falls apart at the roundtable after losing two of his most trusted allies, who were faithfuls, and argues himself into heightened suspicion amongst everyone at the table.

Manages to stir the pot just enough to heighten suspense, and gives the Faithfuls a quick, easy win early on in the series.

Seventh Eliminated - Fabian Hurzeler - Faithful, Murdered Night Four

The young buck of the group, Fabian impresses everyone in the castle with his confidence and smarts for his age.

Slips up by becoming good friends early on with each of the remaining Traitors, meaning they can knock him off in the night time without arousing suspicion. A key kill for the bad guys.

Eighth Eliminated - Daniel Farke - Faithful, Banished Day Five

Despite actually being a solid Faithful, and a well-liked, good-mannered addition to the group around the castle, Farke can't escape suspicion for one reason or another with many of his fellow Faithfuls wanting him out.

Can't defend himself well enough for too long, and is eventually kicked out after the pressure crumbles him, giving the Traitors a free, easy elimination.

Ninth Eliminated - Oliver Glasner - Faithful, Murdered Night Five

Builds up a small group that challenge the louder voices in the castle competently, but is soon left alone and doesn't get the backing from those around the table that he thinks he deserves. Earns qualification to the 'Celebrity Traitors' soon after the show finishes, but his agent never got around to telling him after losing the password to his email.

Tactically killed off on the fifth night, with no remaining ties between Glasner's suspicions and the remaining Traitors.

Tenth Eliminated - Nuno Espirito Santo - Traitor, Banished Day Six

Gives away almost nothing that could leave the Faithfuls suspicious of what he could accomplish with the right tools in his hands, until the very end of his time in the castle. Makes several key decisions and smart arguments that keeps his head above water, but everything comes undone when cracks start to form in the ranks of the Traitors.

Goes out in a vintage traitor-on-traitor blaze of glory at the roundtable, ultimately being banished before the most promising parts of the series.

Eleventh Eliminated - Thomas Frank - Traitor, Banished Day Seven

The Danish boss is a well-liked figure amongst those in the castle. A passionate man who is a pleasure to speak with, he has a small group of people on his side and a lot of well-placed theories and opinions. The Traitors, in a cunning move, recruit him.

His composure soon escapes him, despite a strong start as a Traitor. He somehow manages to drop himself in it at the roundtable, desperately starting an argument with Nuno (who was there with the Traitors before he was) that sees him banished, but only arouses more suspicion in Frank, and both the Faithfuls and his new team of Traitors quickly vote him off the next night, leaving the Faithfuls on cloud nine.

Twelfth Eliminated - David Moyes - Faithful, Murdered Night Seven

Manages to go a long way in the competition, despite initially being deemed as eliminated before they even left the castle. Is brought back in halfway through the series, and starts several rumours about the Traitors that are surprisingly accurate.

The Traitors take the gamble and have him killed at the one week mark, risking the murder of an experience, authoritative voice amongst the Faithful crowd.

Thirteenth Eliminated - Marco Silva - Faithful, Banished Day Eight

Kicked out of the castle despite doing a perfectly good job of keeping his head down and getting on with things. Performs well in the cash-building tasks, but contributes little to the social side of the group, leading to his banishment to a surprisingly little amount of protest. Ange Postecoglou leads the charge on his banishment, claiming for some reason that the Portuguese manager was "after him".

Ends up appearing on several other BBC shows in a fairly short space of time.

Fourteenth Eliminated - Enzo Maresca - Faithful, Murdered Night Eight

Begins to oust himself as a witty faithful who notices more than he lets on, but is killed immediately after Moyes in a bid to knock the Faithfuls off the scent.

It turns out to be a big risk, though. A few in the castle had just started getting behind the Italian and his incisive theories, and heads are beginning to turn as the series nears the final.

Fifteenth Eliminated - Ange Postecoglou - Faithful, Banished Day Nine

Big Ange spends most of his time in the castle firmly disputing any claims made against him, but continually arouses suspicion by dodging questions like he's in the Matrix and staring at his feet during most conversations around the round-table.

Doesn't do much around the castle for the most part, and offers little defence around the roundtable other than sitting with his hands on his head when a fellow faithful gets eliminated.

A Faithful, but not a good one. Ditched by the Faithfuls, incorrectly, after arguably far too much time in the castle, but it was for the best really.

Sixteenth Eliminated - Eddie Howe - Faithful, Murdered Night Nine

Manages to go quite a long way into the series as at no point does he ever arouse the slightest hint of suspicion. Does well in the challenges, but manages to wrap himself into knots when chasing his own theories and blaming others. One wild theory too many manages to drop him in it, risking banishment, but he is put out of his misery by the Traitors before the Faithful's get the chance.

Jason Tindall is waiting at the gates to come collect him.

Seventeenth Eliminated - Arne Slot - Traitor, Banished At The Final Table

The brightest mind (and head) of all those taking part in the castle, Slot does an excellent job of leading conversations, turning the tide of arguments away from him and helping to build up the cash pot. When finally offered a chance to spend something out of the cash pot to help his chances in the series, he blows almost all of it, and his cover in the process.

Embarks on several high-octane arguments, often coming away from them successful. Mastermind's several key murders throughout the duration of the show that thin the heard and keep his shiny head above water. But all comes un-done at the Final Table...

Eighteenth Eliminated - Mikel Arteta - Faithful

He tried every theory in the book, and sniffed out Traitors like a pig with truffles, but ultimately fell short at the Final Table thanks to one crucial mistake.

Suspected as a Traitor for the entirety of the series, Arteta manages to avoid any suspicion and continually manages to convince the Faithfuls around the castle that he can be trusted with the task at hand with passionate rants including JBL speakers, light bulbs and whiteboards. But, he lets it slip right at the very end to lose out on winning the series...

Winner - Unai Emery - Traitor

Likeable, good-natured and a joy around the castle, Unai Emery walks away proudly as the winner of the series, after being the lone remaining Traitor at the Final Table, taking all the winnings from compatriot Mikel Arteta, who slips at the last possible hurdle.

In a twist that could only ever be served up by 'The Traitors', Emery's polite demeanour and weird obsession with answering accusations around the table by saying "Marco Bizot" see him fly under the radar expertly. He earns the trust of those around him, including an Arteta who was too focussed on proving his own worth to see the answer he was after.

Has his winnings taken off of him after he leaves the castle, with the producers of the show saying he wouldn't be allowed to spend much of it this summer anyway.